Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.