I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
two words...techno handjob
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
it glows. i had to have it.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.