She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.