I queefed so loud it echoed.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate