My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Dating After Heartbreak
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....