well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
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So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
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Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation