Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
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I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Is it penis luge time yet?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.