All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Dating After Heartbreak
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny