In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'