remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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