From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow