whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
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But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"