i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.