He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm fucking your sister right now.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.