I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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