You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore