Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
