I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
ra ra ra ah ah
sexting lady gaga style
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.