I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
sarcasm needs its own font
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
He melted the stem
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.