how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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