You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.