I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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