Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
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Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
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She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...