Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
