so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus