she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.