I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
