and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.