I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong