Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
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You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
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I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish