Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
