I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
