I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?