I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
