I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
