I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
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I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
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We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
if only i could text you this smell
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.