Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.