Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
