Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
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I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
What should our trivia night team be named?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
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apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
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just found the deal breaker
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way