He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I want leopard sheets
thats the plan
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
her vagine was all disorganized.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
hotties wanna shake it
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
just found the deal breaker
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone