As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Dude, just got a bummer.
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.