Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.