why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You're my little dorito
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I understand Curling. That high.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.