Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm in love with you.
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.