just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
