I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i want to fuck
it's pretty self explanatory
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?