so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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