Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
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I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
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I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?