Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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