A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday