I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
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hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
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I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.