So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
